How Does the Montauk Monster Celebrate July 4?

By returning to Plum Island?

No, that’s not it. It much simpler than that, and much more sensational. The Montauk Monster continues to grab headlines! Happy July 4, you charred raccoon… or whatever you are… I can understand that the creature has its image to think about. And considering how much the paparazzi pay for photographs anymore (Where’s TMZ when you need them?) – it’s a great way to earn some spread and stay ahead of bill collectors. I had the unfortunate occasion to come into contact with bill collectors years ago, and each of them struck me as the type of people who would jump at the chance to set up an automatic deduction with a dried rat dog. If the Montauk Monster needs money to beat back the freaks, I say a payday loan (or payday loans) pave a great path. But once the public discovers the creature’s history, perhaps they’ll realize that all of this (except the payday loans part) is dumb-butt stupid.

Ancestral history – Um, OK

Russell Drumm writes in the East Hampton Star that the Montauk Monster is not a fluke. In fact, it’s history may date back 100 years, when a strange creature was discovered in a Montauk fish trap. The Star reported on it then, too, he says:

Great excitement has been caused by the finding, in a fish trap off Montauk, of what is declared to be a sea serpent measuring 22 feet in length, having a neck six feet long and a tail about eight feet. It is considered the greatest discovery of the kind ever made on the east end of Long Island, and seems to prove beyond a doubt that the sea serpent is not a myth, as everyone supposed, but a verity.

Verily, ’twas a verity. Aliens are among us, and we don’t need Rowdy Roddy specs to see them.

A ceremony worthy of Beowulf

Then there’s Camp Hero on Plum Island. Rumors have been spread about bizarre animal experiments that involve time travel, but the reality of the situation is that veterinarians have trained there. What about the guys who found a dead raccoon around Shelter Island? Reports indicate they put it in a child’s floaty and lit the beast on fire, Viking funeral-style. Post-immolation, it washed up on shore at Montauk, in front of Surfside restaurant. That seems plausible, and fun. A cell phone picture of the carcass has filled cyberspace with Montauk Monster fever. The symptoms are a fascination with the bizarre and a total inability to pee straight.

Sliced by a vorpal blade

Was there really a caravan of giant walrus cows in the Montauk marina? It was the summer of 1998. Back then, the creature turned out to be a manatee over 1,000 miles off course. How did it get here? Was it spirited away to Montauk by the ghost of Rod Serling? Was Miyazaki-san involved? [ad_block type=”horizontal” float=”right”] East Hampton fisherman Stuart Vorpahl (like the vorpal blade that killed the Jabberwocky?) remembers a strange encounter he had there. “At Oyster Pond bend in Montauk, a big rotten mess on the beach. It could have been a squid, but who knows? That was 40 years ago, if it was a day,” he recalled. Whatever the case, he claims the thing he found had eyes the “diameter of a soccer ball.” Unfortunately, no photographic evidence survived the meeting.

1909 – The Year of the Serpent

The newspapers raged over the topic. Sea creatures grabbed headlines in The Star, The Brooklyn Eagle, and The Suffolk Times, writes Drumm. Everyone was weighing in with their ideas as to what the next strange creatures discovered in the area was. Oarfish, not a serpent. Or perhaps a whip-tail shark. “Experts” appeared and floated their theories, which served only to whip readers into a frothy state of suspicion. What are newspapers for, anyway? The fisherman I cited at the beginning of this story was inundated with requests for photos, but he had none to give. Following the trail, The Star used their journalistic moxie to discover the following:

The fish is no longer on exhibition, because John Barre, who found it, thinks that the people are making more money out of it than he is, and so he has placed the serpent up in the garret of his house and now anybody who wants to see it or take pictures of it must pay his price. The figure quoted for taking pictures of it was $25.

A heft sum in those days, but Mr. Barre knew how to milk a cash cow. If payday loans had existed then, people would have used them to reserve their sports in line. Think of all the payday loans that would have circulated. What a miracle this think commerce is… Related Video: